


A Night at The Ol' Manor

by Calamityjim



Series: Bird's Night Out [4]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Humor, Self-Indulgent, Swearing, like a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29248191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calamityjim/pseuds/Calamityjim
Summary: Bruce needed to clear the air with his kids. It will be fine.Won't it?
Series: Bird's Night Out [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138775
Comments: 56
Kudos: 245





	A Night at The Ol' Manor

**Author's Note:**

> Shorter, but I think for this one to work it needed to be. I hope you like it. I'm not sure it has the right punch.

"My dad is fucking his physiotherapist."

Bruce choked on his tea and Dick had no doubt that Tim had purposefully timed that. Making Jason do the same thing had probably just been an added bonus. 

Wisely setting his tea side, Bruce knitted his fingers and placed his hand in his lap. "Is she nice?”

Bruce had invited the three of them to the Manor under the excuse of 'urgent business'. Tim had hummed and hawed before accepting the invitation on Jason's behalf. Dick knew what Tim wanted and he had guesses about why Jason had come. Maybe, for once, Bruce would be able to have the emotional range of something greater than a buried rock. He'd taken them to a drawing room in the Manor, one of the family rooms that was forbidden to guests. It was a see through gesture that had made both Tim and Jason glare suspiciously but Dick had brushed it off. It spoke of Alfred's influence more than Bruce's attempts at manipulation. 

Bruce's attempt had been settling himself on the couch with empty spaces on either side as the rest of the furniture had been pushed against the wall. It was sort of an emotional decision, so Dick had hope.

Tim and Jason, though, were not going to make this easy. Like strapping teenage vigilantes they had been able to move a love seat so it sat across from Bruce.

Dick had claimed a padded chair and was doing his best to sit out of the battle field.

"I wouldn't know," Tim continued airily. "I mean, she’s a physiotherapist, so probably? Or she’s a total sadist and Dad is into that. It would explain Mom. I've only met her once and I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm Dad's cousin." His fingers tapped his cup thoughtfully. "Probably why I wasn't invited to the wedding."

"Wedding?" Bruce croaked as though he was being strangled. 

"Oh yes," Tim said as though he wasn't dropping bombs with every word, "Dad called me to let me know they are having a honeymoon in France and asked me to pack his effects. He will be moving in with her upon his return. Her house is wheelchair accessible."

"And you?" The rasp in Bruce's voice had taken on a hysterical edge. 

"It's a one bedroom but don't worry," Tim took an exaggerated sip of tea, "Dad is paying Jason quite well to look after me. After all, Jason is quite mature for his age."

Jason had slashed three of Dick's tires because he'd taken the toy from the bottom of the cereal bag. 

Tim set his teacup to the side. “And how are you, Bruce?”

  
  
Bruce didn’t squirm. He’d been taught by Alfred and by the business world to not show that kind of weakness, but Dick could tell it was a near thing. “I’m fine.”

  
  
Now _that_ was a lie. Wayne Enterprises was bleeding market value as Jason and Bruce’s fight played out in the paper, Jason sticking to his story of having been held hostage for years and Bruce telling the truth of not knowing Jason was alive. It was telling, at least to Dick, that Bruce never claimed that Jason was an imposter, something he could have easily done and ended this fight once and for all. 

On the night side of things the Red Hood had vanished as miraculously as he’d appeared, leaving the criminal element whispering about a possible return while slowly sliding into a citywide gang war because all the heads were dead, thanks to _someone’s_ sudden decision to have an immediate career choice. 

If someone had told Dick six months ago that the Red Hood would be Tim’s official babysitter he would have checked them for brain damage. 

“Well, I’m fucking fine too,” Jason chimed in. “Now that we’ve established that we can cut this visit short. See you on _The Tawny Show._ ” He set his tea down and moved to stand up. 

“Wait,” Dick ordered. He hated playing arbitrator between his siblings and Bruce but needs must. “Bruce said he was here to tell us something and I’m sure it was more than “I’m fine.””

“Finger quote, Dickothony? Lame.” At least Jason sat back down. “Fine, old man. Spit it out. Can’t be here all night because baby bird has a bedtime.”

“Fuck you, litch scum,” Tim snapped. 

Bruce’s shoulders dropped. “Language.”

He was ignored. “Oh, look at you. Using your fucking dork language to still be cliché.”  
  
  


"You're also a nerd, dumbass. You know what it means."

"Yeah, means I've been spending too much time with you and your geek speak." 

"I think," Tim said heatedly, "I liked you better when I was shooting you."

Bruce tried to jump in. "Tim never shot-"  
  


"I liked you better when I was _stabbing you in the throat_. At least you were quiet! Maybe we need a reenact-"

“Guy!” Dick snapped. He had better things to do with his days off. They both glared at him but at least they shut up. “Bruce, I know what it is you have to say and I know how hard this must be. Take a deep breath and just say it,” Dick said encouragingly. It was like convincing a three year old to dunk their head under water for the first time. 

Bruce took in a deep breath. “I…” He trailed off. 

“Am,” Dick pushed encouragingly. Bruce took another deep breath but when he opened his mouth nothing came out. “Sssss” Dick pushed. 

With a confused blink, Bruce looked at Dick. “Ssssss-single?”

“Really?” Jason asked, eye-brow arched. “You are really physically incapable of apologizing?” 

Bruce actually _did_ squirm. “That’s not why I invited you.”

“Oh, well then,” Tim said frositly. “I suppose Jason is right and it really is time to go. To my house. Where I stay. Because I’m not welcome here.”

“It’s not like that, Tim,” Bruce said a little desperately and Dick had to admit he was enjoying this a bit. It was nice to watch Bruce emotionally flounder with someone who wasn’t him. 

“It _most certainly_ is like that,” cracked a young voice across the room. A boy dropped down from the top of the curtains with a deadly grace, staring at Dick and his siblings with open disdain. 

“Is that _another_ kid?” The question came out of Dick’s mouth before he’d thought about asking it. 

Bruce’s sigh was the sound of his soul escaping his body. Dick wasn’t feeling particularly sympathetic. 

“You _replaced_ Replacement? Bruce, kid ain’t even fucking dead yet!” Jason’s eyes swept over the newest child.

“He’s varied the theme,” Tim said casually. “Look, it has green eyes this time.”

All three of the boys cocked their heads. “Huh,” they said in unison.

  
  
“Must have picked the kid up from a different store,” Jason theorized. 

Two spots of red flared in the kid’s cheeks. “I was not ‘picked up’,” he snarled. “I am Father’s blood son and rightful heir.”

Tim stood abruptly, his knees hitting the coffee table. “Well, this has been fan-fucking-tastic, but I definitely think it was a meeting that could have been an email. Bruce,” Tim nodded in goodbye. “True blood heir.”

“Tim,” Bruce stood as well and grabbed Tim’s wrist. “He’s not replacing you. He’s not replacing any of you.”  
  


“But you let him call you dad,” Dick said, the sound as soft as a stab wound. 

“I didn’t know you wanted to call me dad,” Bruce said, staring at Dick with what could only be considered puppy eyes. “Because if you want- I mean- I have paperwork and-”

“Absolutely not!” barked the new kid. “I will not have my place _contested_ by,” he gave Dick, Tim, and Jason a sweeping snide look, “riff-raff.”

“Wait wait wait,” Jason waved his hands. “Kid said ‘blood son’.”

Bruce dropped Tim’s wrist. “I didn’t know. It was one night with Talia and-”

“As in Al Ghul?” Tim asked in alarm, falling back onto the love seat. If Dick had been standing he would have collapsed as well. 

“You fucked Talia Al Ghul,” Jason said, wide eyed. “Talia _Al fucking Ghul._ ”

The kid sniffed. “Do not speak of Mother as though-”

“She’s an evil assassin we’ve been fighting for years?” Dick asked, struggling with his own shock. 

“Let me get this straight,” Jason pointed at Bruce, “You _stuck your dick_ in Talia Al Ghul?”

“Jason,” Bruce said in a pained keen. 

“You are _never_ allowed to tell me what I can and can’t do with my penis again!” Jason declared. “If I want to fuck a blender, if I want to fuck _Harley Quinn_ , you don’t get to say shit about it!”

Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose. “Please tell me you don’t want to have sexual intercourse with Harley Quinn.”

  
  
Jason snorted, “As much as it would piss off the Joker, no, I don’t, _because I don’t stick my dick in crazy._ I mean jesus fucking christ here.”

“My mother is not-”

"Not to mention what Ivy would do to me. They are definitely banging. Honestly showing my dick in the blender would be a safer option. That or fucking myself with a cactus, but that's back into Ivy's territory so-"

  
  
"Jason, please stop. As your father I am begging you-"

“You didn’t use a condom,” Tim observed. 

The room went deathly silent. 

“After all the lectures,” Tim continued, “after all the banana demonstrations, after that _goddamn_ slide show that will forever haunt my nightmares you had sex with, as has been pointed out, _Talia Al Fucking Ghul_ while not wearing a _condom?”_

“Bruce,” Dick said with mounting horror. He’d had to sit through the slideshow too. There had been pictures! Pictures! Images Dick could _never_ unsee. 

“It was _one_ time,” he protested weakly.

Jason snorted. “And now we have Replacement’s replacement to contend with.”

“I am _not_ a replacement,” snarled the kid. “I am Damian Al Ghul, heir to the Demon Head and Wayne legacy alike.”

“Humble kid,” Dick observed. 

“Damian isn’t replacing anyone,” Bruce in the same hysterical tone he used when Dick was on the chandelier. “You’re all welcome here. I would, in fact, be thrilled if you all came home.”

“This is not your home!” growled Damian. 

The boys as one crossed their arms. “If you want us to come home,” Tim started. 

“-then you have to say it,” Jason finished.

And Bruce’s floundering look, Dick tossed out a lifeline. “‘I’m’,” Bruce still looked lost. “Starts in an ‘s’, ends in a ‘y’.”

“Sultry?”

“Bzt,” Jason made a buzzer noise. “Wrong.”

“Stingy?”

Tim shook his head. “This is fucking hopeless. I’m going home.”

  
  
“The embodiment of stupidity?” Bruce asked, finally getting somewhere close. “I know I’ve made... _mistakes._ ” They all scoffed, “but I want to make it up to you. I want you to come _home_.” Bruce shuffled guiltily. “Alfred misses you.”

Tim groaned and planted his face in his hands while Jason rubbed his back sympathetically. “He was so close. He was doing so well and then-”

  
  
“I know, baby bird,” Jason crooned. 

“I’m actually pretty impressed,” Dick admitted honestly. “That’s better than I got when he failed to invite me to your funeral.”

“How you feel does not _matter,_ ” Damian spat out. “I am the heir and you are not welcome here. Leave.”

Tim stared at Damian. “Maybe we should stay,” he said slowly. 

Jason hummed in agreement. “Give it a test run.”

Dick sighed. “I’m not moving back.”

“No one is moving back!” Damian yelled shrilly.

Dick narrowed his eyes at the kid. “But I am willing to assert my dominance as the oldest.”

“Yeah,” Jason nodded. “Older sibling prerogative.”

They both stood and stalked their way towards the new kid. “Please don’t break anything,” Bruce pleaded half heartedly. 

He was ignored.

X-x-x-x-x-x-x

Tim watched as Damian twisted and screamed, Dick holding his wrists while Jason had him by the ankles. 

“Release me or I shall slaughter you!”

“One!”

They swung him side to side. 

“I mean it!”

“Two.”

“Father, help!”

This swing was higher. 

“Three!”

And then Damian was flying through the air and into the pool. 

Bruce stood beside Tim, defeat radiating off of every inch of his body. He had the look of a man whose life was out of control and he knew it, but had no idea how to fix it. 

“Bruce?”

“Yes, Tim?”

“I’m fucking Superboy.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love and I'm getting into prompt territory, so if you have any ideas you want to see, let me know!


End file.
